"the devil is in the details"

English Composition 1 - Spring 2024

Writing Assignment: Autobiographical Narrative

However, I didn't feel as though anyone needed to know the real me. I lied.

This story was written with inspiration from the song "Gasoline" by Halsey.

Finding the Courage to Live

            Spontaneously married in Vegas to a man ______ knew for a matter of months, she laid there staring at him hold a cigarette in the bed of a random motel room, happier than she had ever been in her entire life. Saul uttered, “light my fire.” Little did ______ know, as she struck fire to his stick of tobacco and rolled over to sleep, it would be the last time she ever saw him again.

            Awakened by the sound of chirping birds and the bright light of the sun shining into the window, ______ stares at the sheer white curtains dancing with the rhythmic blows of the AC unit. Realizing Saul is gone, but not yet realizing gone for good, she reaches for the open bottle of hot champagne on the night stand and takes a swig as she gets up to dump the rest down the drain of the bathroom sink. Anxiety creeps into the pit of ______’s stomach as the hours pass, and Saul has yet to return.

            Anxiety turns to pain as call after call goes straight to voicemail. Saul’s phone is off or it’s dead. Frantic, ______ finally stumbles out of the motel room in the dark of night with tears running down her face and heads directly to the front desk. Everything becomes a blur in her mind after that moment except the flashing of police lights, and the lit cigarette she held in her hand being inhaled deeply.

            Hours turned to days, and days turned to weeks in the Las Vegas motel that ______ now refused to leave. How she came up with the money to stay one could only guess is between her and whatever higher power she chose to believe in. The white crumpled comforter that laid in a heap at the end of the unmade motel bed was all ______ had left to hang on to. She began to realize that this was not a dream.

            In a deranged fit of tears, which was becoming increasingly normal since ______ woke up a married woman, she desperately began rummaging through the drawer of the motel night stand. Skipping over the Bible, she grabbed the notepad and pen. ______ began writing a letter to her one and only love, Saul, still not knowing if he was dead or alive. The thoughts and feelings that persisted to haunt her since the incident needed to be released.

            Not knowing where Saul was or if he was, ______ decided to send the letter to the Vegas motel that she currently resided in. This continued for months, ______ sent and received her own words over and over again addressed to Saul. To anyone who frequented or worked at the establishment, she appeared to be sinking slowly into a level of clinical insanity with her pack of cigarettes always close by.

            Through ______’s dedication to the ghost of Saul’s existence, she eventually came face to face with the mailman. He was something like a machine; seemingly all-knowing as he held up his unlit cigarette and asked, “Light my fire?” ______ holds out her lit cigarette to him and asks, “Who are you?” The mailman replied mysteriously, “Strangely, I’m just like you.” He exhaled the cloud of smoke upward as he winced at the bright sky and the wind blew it away. It was in that moment that ______ felt hope for the first time in exactly two years.

            Eventually, ______ leaves behind her life at the Las Vegas motel and returns home. She surrenders to the reality that Saul is never coming back, but with peace inside her heart. Remembering when her cigarette pressed against the mailman’s, ______ recalls the moment she found serenity within herself. Her openness to accept that although relationships are finite, human connection is infinite, ______ is able to take a step of growth on her own. Through her own self isolation and years of writing letters to Saul addressed to the motel room she resided in, ______’s love for Saul becomes a love for herself. Talking to herself, ______ is able to overcome the unresolved loss of a man who taught her what it means to feel alive. The stillness she is now capable of holding in the midst of chaos is proof of the emotional maturity and intelligence she has gained. ______’s choice to remain vulnerable makes moving on possible, it makes her human, and it heals the burn of the flame.