What do I need? That’s a good question. Sometimes, I don’t even know. I’m somewhere caught in the middle of a fantasy where I’m completely controlled to the point of feeling like I’m a child and I have a parent and the reality of being completely uncomfortable when I’m not in complete control. It’s a fucked up place to be because there doesn’t seem to be a solution in any situation where both sides are ever completely satisfied. I feel lost and mostly always alone in my own head.
I cry a lot. Not because I’m depressed, but because I’m overwhelmed. I selfishly want everyone around me to never show an ounce of dissatisfaction with me, but I constantly fall short of their expectations. I can’t handle the emotions of others if it’s directed at me. It sends me into a spiral. I hate the spiral. It’s too mentally exhausting.
You know, there’s a difference between love and emotional hunger. Now that I’m an adult, I realize that I was a victim of this growing up and it’s played a role in molding me into who I am today. Maybe I struggle with actually loving anyone. Maybe people are just props for me. Maybe this is my own fault and maybe it’s not. On the contrary, maybe I am the one who knows how to love. Maybe I attract emotionally hungry people because I’m so good at giving them what they need. Mentally, it’s difficult living in a healthy way when it feels unnatural. It takes a lot of time and energy to change what comes naturally to someone. Is there anyone in this world who’s actually “mentally healthy” though? I think everyone is a little weird in their own way.
Love is when you accept absolutely everything about someone and don’t set expectations on the relationship. People stay in relationships because they either love a person or love the idea of the role they fill. If someone is right for you will everything you want and need develop naturally or no? What does love mean to you?
I think most people just love the idea of me, but I’m like the pitbull from the pound that you adopted. Everything was going great. It was like I was the perfect dog, but then one day on a walk at the park this innocent man was wearing the color blue and I just snapped and attacked him with no prior warning. Then you had to put me down. A tragic love story, isn’t it? It wasn’t anyone’s fault in that situation. It was blue’s fault.
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